MICHAEL DICKSON!

It's hard finding your replacement. 

This will be new hairstyle. Gosh, have to endure growing long hair again. Well, right before NS. Anyway, I'm too lazy to book my medical check up recently. I need to start booking soon like tonight? Haha. I made a bad move this morning. What was I doing? Anyway, her stand is so clear and I shouldn't dwell much into it. Perhaps I should take up her consideration but it seems like I can't do it. Perhaps I'll be much happier by giving it a try but I know it will never be as happy as being together with her again. She's gone for now, but maybe not for long? Anyway, I just hate the rate and speed she's moving on and leaving me behind like this. Right now, she's happy daily and looking forward to her nightly calls and weekends dates while I'm stuck in this shit hole even till now. I shouldn't be typing all these here as I do not want to reveal how much I miss her and wanting her back. But as much as I do not want to, I still decided to type these down. It's hard not being able to express myself.

It's really hard to get pass each day without your presence.
It's really hard to get pass each day without your smile.
It's really hard to get pass each day without your greetings.
It's really hard to get pass each day without your hugs.
It's really hard to get pass each day without your love.
It's really hard to get pass each day without your trademarks
It's really hard to get pass each day without your smell.
It's really hard to get pass each day without your kisses.
It's really hard to get pass each day without your voice.

It's really hard to get pass each day without your everything.

Alright, after this post, no more will be about you. No more will be about us. No more will be about me. Cause I just wanna leave it here and leave this blog alone for the time being. Bye.

Several questions kept running through my mind recently. I wanna put a stop to it but it seems like I'm unable to. We had a nice chat tonight and I've to conclude that whatever I've said is easier said than done. Actually everything is. But, we've to try our best right? (:

Anyway, it took only one call to ruin my day. How bad can that be? Trust me, it's damn bad. Anyway, my favourite camping area now is at downtime. Sorry han, but you are going to see me prolly everyday for the next few days. Hope you enjoy my company! Heehee. Tmr i've a date! Like finally after so long. Teochew porridge!

It seems like I can't blog properly these days. I must control my expression here and restraint myself from typing whatever I've to say. It sucks but I've to refrain. Cause you don't deserve to know anything.

Downtime with Btan, Berwin, Yang, Zyan, Xiang Han and Abigail. L4D really gives me headache and Abigail can't play for nuts. Haha. Something to comfort you, Abs, you are a not bad driver. Yang, I like the chat we had. Thanks for talking to me and sharing your problems. (: Btan, tmr backstreet boys again? Haha! 

I, I don't know why I miss you so much
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch
You, you left me feeling high and dry
With nothing, nothing but the question why

Yeah you, I guess you had another direction
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection

If you call me today
I'll say that I'm fine
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice
It's just a lie
You knew what you had
You still walked away leaving me in this mess
My love for you is deep and meaningless

You, you knew what you were doing to me
And I, I guess I was too blind to see
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad
But I'd do it again to relive what we had
(Damn that's sad)

There are many things left to remind me
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me

So what am I to you? Spare tyre?

Last night, I really felt comfortable singing song, playing guitar, smoke and chat with Yang, Blim, Zyan and Abigail. Though it didn't last very long, but somehow those casual chats seem to ease my pain. We didn't really talk much, plainly playing guitar, singing love songs, teaching each other new songs and just enjoy the company we had. I'm happy and satisfied.

Anyway, Btan sent me this last night, which really encouraged me.
"In time to come, you will soon find out what you really want in life. Do not brood over or about the past and look towards the happy future. Never want the things which you couldn't have held in the past. Call me out to slack when you need and I will try my best to be there for you. (:" Thanks Ah Long!

I enjoyed myself at downtime too. So what now? We'll see how things go alright?

Surprisingly, I felt much better today. Maybe because I had a good chat last night and in the morning. Thank you. Anyway, Dawn has been reminding me of my bod plan. Delayed for 3 weeks or so. Dumbbells will be coming in this saturday. And my bod plan shall resume soon. I've a sudden urge to visit an orphanage recently. Maybe I should make plans for it and play with the cute little girls there. I just love to have a daughter!!

I know you are there.

Had a good chat with mum. She made my pain so comfortable. Though her words are harsh, but i find some comfort in it. Slowly and I'll let go. Mum gave me hell just now too. She said I look like a pack of bones. Way too skinny. Hello? At least, I'm starting to eat alright?

Sometimes, what you see and interpret might be full of errors. So do not jump into conclusion. If you get what I mean. Bye. 

Work sucks. Terrible for the poor little soul of mine. ):
Three more days before everything ends and I can officially start my so-called "holidays". Didn't really enjoyed much. I still prefer the holidays two semesters ago. Simple gymming trip thrice a week and sweet little treats for each other. Didn't expected I'm all alone now. Put this aside or else someone will be pissed again cause I'm typing an emo post here. Yes, I know you wanna me to smile. Give me some time.

I enjoyed talking to lukas and disturbing wan wan today. Felt so carefree as in I'm back in IBP days. Oh well, back then, I'm much more happier. OH OH OH! Anyway, four more lessons before I start preparing for my traffic police test. Gonna jam pack with more practicals before the final test. Who shall be my first passenger? Don't worry, it's safe. And when I'm driving, no shouting please! Gear with be shifted to neutral and hand brake will be up before I leave the car. So it's 100% safe. Caleb, Berwin, Yang, Blim, Btan, Charles, Zyan, Aldrich? Hehehe! Ok la, enough of dreaming, still I will have to pass first right?

Lastly, I had a pleasant bus ride home today. She's made my day.
*Smiles*

Tonight marks the second week without you. In the past, when I'm alone, be it when I'm working, I'm gymming, I'm studying or playing, I can sense you being by my side psychologically. Perhaps this is why I took you for granted. Knowing that you will be my side always. In the past, when I text or ring you, I know there sure be someone there to pick up or reply no matter what. In the past, when I've problems, I know there will be someone who will take her time comforting me and telling me that it's alright. In the past, when I'm bored, I know there bound to be someone who will take her time to make me happy and go out with me despite how tired or unwilling she is. Because of all these, gradually, I took you for granted and not cherishing you. I didn't know a simple rose or a stalk of flowers can brighten up your day. Thinking that flowers are a complete waste of money and so unpractical. However, never did I know, I actually lost to a stalk of flowers in the end. I've lost badly. Been beaten down badly. Thinking through, I guess it's not a sudden change. I can see that you are actually showing me signs that you are leaving me. You are fighting to maintain this love you've built. Remember our first prawning trip? I remembered you keep wanting me to hug you tight, kiss you and hold your hands. I didn't. I keep finding excuses not to. I thought maybe those hugs and kisses weren't important. I'm so blinded by fun with my friends that I totally neglected her. I left her at home feeling bored and miserable while i'm out. Didn't even msg her when I'm back. You see, life is a rebound. Whatever things you've done will eventually bounce back to you. Now I totally understand how you felt. The last lap of our story is a lonely chapter. I left you all alone. Crying and sobbing and I'm not there. No matter how much I want to fight for you and want to make everything right. It's pointless. Chances are chances. It appears and it disappears quickly. Seize it or lose it. Now I've lost it. Regret? Isn't it all too late. You fought hard not to let go. I let go of it myself. I took advantage of your psychological presence in my heart. I didn't realise how much crime i've committed until you are gone. When you walked away, it wasn't easy for you either. But you have to, cause you wanna smile. You wanna be happy. Now you are happy and smiling. But everything rebounds onto me. I'm frowning and sobbing and washing my face with tears daily. In fact, even more painful than I thought and you thought it would be. If ever, if ever, I got a chance to get hold of you once more, i wouldn't want to hurt you again. Now time is irreversible, chances are gone, minds are set, words are said, and it's all just too late. All I want now is to turn back in time to 31st August, I will kiss you and hug you tightly saying this. "Baby, I'm sorry. Forgive me. And I love you." And I really do.

If you should ever find someone new, I know he'd be better good to you
Cause if he doesn't, I'll be there
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah
I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there

QUESTION ASKED: FATS OR ABS
FINAL ANSWER: ABS (:

I handled it well today I guess.

It will all get better in time right? 

After a talk with her, I realised that she has her reason for everything done. I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass and couldn't control myself. I guess it's me after all. I'm sorry for accusing you Chersy! 

I finally realised what all your actions means! 

Trapped.m4a
(listen to it?)

i know it's just too late, to make it alright
days without you by my side
i know it's just fate, i'm too weak too fight

now hear me say
im drowning in an ocean
where is your light to guide me back?

now please just stay
im like trapping in a big maze, limping
where is your hand, back to the place?

come back to me, why the stars never blink
feel the love in my heart and here we sing
why can't it be just the way it used to
and i promise that we will make it eventually baby

 

There's always one song that I would want to sing for you for the past few days. But I guess that from 13.09.09 (yesterday) onwards, things will be different. I've given up all sort of hopes. You and I are just not meant for each other? If we are, things won't happen in this way. I hope you will take care of yourself in the future, quickly get your car license, don't be lazy when it comes to work, prioritise when it comes to work or exams, and remember to not drink too much in the future. Throughout these 19 months or so, I know how much we've been through all the way from two stranger slowly building our foundation based on the love we once had. Exchanged promise at the very day when a girl first hold my hands in my life. Asked me a stupid question when you slept beside me for the first night. Too much memories, thought things won't never end in any ways. But guess whatever is done is done and whatever said is said. In the future, please really take care of yourself. Will we contact anymore? I guess not. Perhaps that's what you want. No more phone calls, angry conversation, pleading dialogue and irritating SMSes from me?Please be alright. I didn't expect the last chapter of our love story will come so soon. Time for a pen down. Hate to leave it but I've made up my mind. Enjoy whatever freedom you want and maybe he will be a better guy. The end.